Every morning I look in the mirror and rediscover that I am Asian. Nothing to write home about, except that I can’t grow a beard. Which isn’t to say that Asian people can’t grow beards – I mean, look at Confucius, in all his bearded wisdom, or Genghis Khan. Would he have been able to conquer half the world without a beard? Heck, would any celebrity with a beard be where he (or she, I don’t discriminate) is today without active facial follicles? Would Rick Ross be half the man he is without that hedge on his chin? Look up a picture of his baby-face past, and you tell me. Matisyahu? Let’s not get into religion. And don’t even get me started on folk music.
Try this: name one successful folk musician who doesn’t have a beard. Bon Iver? Nice try. Devendra Banhart? Maybe for a day or two. Sufjan Stevens? Okay, fine. But then my response would be to pull out a picture of a mega-beard (ha! William Fitzsimmons) and that’d make up for at least twenty other beardless celebrities. And then imagine how much cooler Lady Gaga would be if she could only grow a beard. Anyhow, back to my point – I can’t grow a beard.
So, guys, next time you pick up that razor, look at this column. Then back at the mirror. Then back at this column. Then at a picture of Santa Claus. And girls, when you’re tired of your man’s grizzly, scratchy excuse for manliness, look at this column. I’ll be waiting, clean-shaven.