Editorials – Topic: “Fuck You”

Look for Eleven Issue 7.4 on the streets early next week.

Dear Harry Potter: #^(& you. I have never read a page of your books, nor seen any of your movies, and I don’t plan on it. What gave you the right to unite and define our generation? My parents’ generation sang to the Beatles, who will forever be revered and admired as one of the greatest bands that ever walked this Earth. If they had been born a few years earlier, they would have been old enough for Woodstock. But what will I tell my kids? “Oh, you know, we had this, uh, little boy wizard with a lightning bolt on his forehead who rode broomsticks and died in the end” (yes, even I know that without having read the books). I can feel my kids burning an L into my forehead already with their judgmental eyes. (more…)

This entry was written by Josh Tan, posted on December 5, 2010 at 10:00 am, filed under Editorials and tagged , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Editorial Round Two: (Lack of) Novembeard


Look for Eleven Issue 7.3 on the streets early next week.

Every morning I look in the mirror and rediscover that I am Asian. Nothing to write home about, except that I can’t grow a beard. Which isn’t to say that Asian people can’t grow beards – I mean, look at Confucius, in all his bearded wisdom, or Genghis Khan. Would he have been able to conquer half the world without a beard? Heck, would any celebrity with a beard be where he (or she, I don’t discriminate) is today without active facial follicles? Would Rick Ross be half the man he is without that hedge on his chin? Look up a picture of his baby-face past, and you tell me. Matisyahu? Let’s not get into religion. And don’t even get me started on folk music.

Try this: name one successful folk musician who doesn’t have a beard. Bon Iver? Nice try. Devendra Banhart? Maybe for a day or two. Sufjan Stevens? Okay, fine. But then my response would be to pull out a picture of a mega-beard (ha! William Fitzsimmons) and that’d make up for at least twenty other beardless celebrities. And then imagine how much cooler Lady Gaga would be if she could only grow a beard. Anyhow, back to my point – I can’t grow a beard.

So, guys, next time you pick up that razor, look at this column. Then back at the mirror. Then back at this column. Then at a picture of Santa Claus. And girls, when you’re tired of your man’s grizzly, scratchy excuse for manliness, look at this column. I’ll be waiting, clean-shaven.

This entry was written by Josh Tan, posted on October 29, 2010 at 11:01 am, filed under Editorials and tagged , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.