Editorial Round Two: (Lack of) Novembeard


Look for Eleven Issue 7.3 on the streets early next week.

Every morning I look in the mirror and rediscover that I am Asian. Nothing to write home about, except that I can’t grow a beard. Which isn’t to say that Asian people can’t grow beards – I mean, look at Confucius, in all his bearded wisdom, or Genghis Khan. Would he have been able to conquer half the world without a beard? Heck, would any celebrity with a beard be where he (or she, I don’t discriminate) is today without active facial follicles? Would Rick Ross be half the man he is without that hedge on his chin? Look up a picture of his baby-face past, and you tell me. Matisyahu? Let’s not get into religion. And don’t even get me started on folk music.

Try this: name one successful folk musician who doesn’t have a beard. Bon Iver? Nice try. Devendra Banhart? Maybe for a day or two. Sufjan Stevens? Okay, fine. But then my response would be to pull out a picture of a mega-beard (ha! William Fitzsimmons) and that’d make up for at least twenty other beardless celebrities. And then imagine how much cooler Lady Gaga would be if she could only grow a beard. Anyhow, back to my point – I can’t grow a beard.

So, guys, next time you pick up that razor, look at this column. Then back at the mirror. Then back at this column. Then at a picture of Santa Claus. And girls, when you’re tired of your man’s grizzly, scratchy excuse for manliness, look at this column. I’ll be waiting, clean-shaven.

This entry was written by Josh Tan, posted on October 29, 2010 at 11:01 am, filed under Editorials and tagged , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.

Editorial: Welcome to Novembeard


Look for Eleven Issue 7.3 on the streets early next week.

With fall leafing its way upon us, so comes the beginning of the holy trilogy of beard months: Novembeard, Decembeard, and of course, Manuary.  Clean-shaven October faces become obscured by scruff, paying homage to the follicles of ZZ Top, Iron & Wine’s Sam Beam, and that huge guy from the Harry Potter movies.

Of course, no two beards are the same.  From the French Fork to the Fu Manchu, each beard taps into the depths of our determination, creativity, and hatred of razor nicks.  The beard is more than just an icon; it’s functional, too.  We submit the following uses of a well-grown Novembeard:

Warmth:  There are few ways to cover your cheeks, unless you want to be that idiot that rolls a turtleneck up to your nose and gets snot all over it.  (Who owns turtlenecks these days, anyways?)  Thankfully, man has beards for keeping our cheeks warm during the balmy months ahead.

Protection:  Who is a mugger more likely to follow down a dark alley: the babyfaced, innocent looking pedestrian, or the guy with a ferociously grizzled beard that says, “I punch bears and pick my teeth with warthog bones”?  Exactly.

Storage:  It’s difficult to fit a cell phone or wallet in super skinny jeans.  With a tasteful beard, these problems are cured instantly.  Wedge that Blackberry into the shaggy storage space and never worry about missing a call again.

Musical Ability:  Let’s face it, you’re not Mozart.  Or Dave Navarro.  Hell, you couldn’t even be the touring guitarist for a pop punk band still playing songs from 1998.  Thankfully, with a rocking beard, your lackluster talents don’t matter.  You’ll suddenly find that droves of fans will think you’re just a hot mess of awesome with every screwed up chord and out-of-tune note.  Your lack of talent is, suddenly, a talent in itself, and it’s all thanks to the rock star prowess of beards.

Style:  A well-maintained beard can mesh perfectly with a nice suit, adding a touch of class and mystique.  Of course, a rugged mountain man beard can be just as useful, giving its owner a dangerous edge and the ability to punch bears.  For every style, there’s a beard to match.

So take the time to celebrate beards this fall.  As patchy Novembeards smooth into Manuary manscapes, let’s applaud the hordes of dudes that look like Chia pets left out in a storm.  Just remember to use these reasons to explain to your girlfriend/boss/mother why you have potato salad caught in your ‘stache.

This entry was written by Elliot Cole, posted on October 28, 2010 at 2:03 pm, filed under Editorials and tagged , , , , . Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.